Doctors Opt out of Medicare, Offer Concierge Medicine--The Times
My decision not to accept Medicare has proved frustrating to a number of seniors in the Phoenix community. Yet as a private physician operating a private business, I do not want to be subject to the whims of federal authorities. My choice not to participate in Medicare has little to do with low government reimbursement rates and everything to do with cumbersome paperwork which might keep me from my top priority: you.
I will henceforth provide medical attention using the time-tested methods perfected by concierges at boutique hotels. Charging a yearly retainer, I can pledge unrivaled personalized service. Old age can be a stormy time and I will be at the helm of your medical ship.
The Concierge Vice Admiral level of health care entitles you to three office visits every two months, appointments scheduled within five days, and access to a special phone line manned by my most seasoned support staff (no more calling queues). You will be spared the indignity of an hour in the waiting area followed by forty-five minutes in an examining room while I race up and down the corridor raising and lowering a series of red and green flags over each door as nurses reassure you "the doctor will be with you shortly."
With Concierge Vice Admiral, you will no longer be "parked." Instead, as a valued client, you will be whisked from the waiting area (think of priority boarding) to an examination room in which I promise to be present within twenty minutes. And I will remain in this room without glancing at my watch until we have thoroughly discussed your medical problems. If previously I may have seemed rushed, curt, or borderline rude, Concierge Vice Admiral ensures you my eye contact, full attention, and maximum responsiveness. This service has an annual fee of $6,000 per person ($10,000 per couple and, yes, I do recognize civil unions).
Concierge Admiral allows all of the above plus up to two office visits per month, the number of my private pager (I will respond within one hour (two hours if during a weekend or while in Cabo)), and my prompt appearance in an examination room featuring a selection of high-grade reading material and choice teas. In addition, I will personally oversee hospital admissions, helping you complete complex forms and avoid unfamiliar, bureaucratic "hospitalists." Concierge Admiral carries an annual charge of $12,000 ($20,000 per couple) which earns you valuable Starwood Points honored worldwide at fine resorts (including the Phoenician in Scottsdale).
Concierge Fleet Admiral provides service nonpareil. After numerous decades on earth (many of them in the greater Phoenix area), why not treat yourself to something truly special? Concierge Fleet Admiral confers all the privileges of Admiral, plus guaranteed same-day appointments, a bi-monthly comprehensive physical exam similar to that enjoyed by the President of the United States and other heads of state, unlimited office visits, entrance to a V.I.P. examination complex equipped with jacuzzi and caviar bar, my friendship on Facebook, and most importantly, my private cell phone number.
At two o'clock in the morning, when you develop chest pain, you can call me and I will pick up. Blinding headache? Imminent aneurysm? I will pick up. Subdural hematoma? I wil pick up. In your deepest moments of anxious crisis, there will be a reassuring, familiar voice on the phone: mine.
I will personally visit you in the Intensive Care Unit (with fruit basket and fine champagne if dietary restrictions allow), oversee every facet of your medical stay (fully-paid by Medicare), and make any necessary referrals to specialists or rehabilitation facilities. All required follow-up blood work or biopsies will be done in our office for a modest charge and won't be farmed out to busy labs.
Concierge Fleet Admiral costs $35,000 per year ($60,000 per couple) and guarantees my complete availability 24/7, my willingness to consult with you in person anywhere in the state of Arizona (including the floor of the Grand Canyon in late August), to come to your home whenever you desire, and to do anything to or with you or watch you do anything to me or anyone else you may wish.
