The Scene: Laura Wilner is helping her 14-year-old daughter, Sophie Wilner-Cohen, pack for summer camp.
Laura: I don't think you need a hairdryer, Sophie.
Sophie: Are you shaving my head before you drop me in Maine?
LW: No. But your hair will dry naturally. It's summer.
SW-C: Right. In Maine. Summer in Maine's like 59 °.
LW: That's the water temperature.
SW-C: Then I guess I won't need this bathing suit.
LW: Of course you will.
SW-C: (Appraising the bathing suit with extreme distaste/ borderline loathing) Where did you get this anyway?
LW: Bendel's. Remember, you were there.
SW-C: (Incredulous) A green bathing suit? Oh, my God.
LW: Sophie, don't start.
SW-C: I'll look like a pine tree.
LW: You'll look lovely. If you'll take the hair out of your eyes. Are you really packing these?
SW-C: Is there a law?
LW: I don't remember sitting around the campfire singing songs in a snug halter. Nor do I recall climbing trees in skin-tight leggings. You'll certainly be very popular.
SW-C: Popularity's bad?
LW: It can be.
SW-C: (With an edge) I'm really going to miss you.
LW: You certainly don't sound like it.
SW-C: What are these?
LW: Water bottles.
SW-C: Are they BPA-free?
LW: I don't know.
(Sophie sighs)
LW: And I don't care.
SW-C: Look. Stamped right on the bottom: BPA. The camp said "BPA-free plastic."
LW: They said two large-mouthed, one-quart plastic water bottles.
SW-C: Get the list.
LW: Sophie, it's 9:30 at night and we're flying to Logan at 7:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. I will not get the list.
SW-C: It's funny.
LW: What?
SW-C: You worry about a hairdryer, but don't care if I'm ostracized.
LW: Ostracized for having BPA water bottles?
SW-C: And a green bathing suit.
LW: Would you like to pack alone?
(No response)
LW: Answer me. I don't consider eye-rolling an answer.
SW-C: This luggage label is so lame.
LW: No one's going to see it.
SW-C: The airline will.
LW: You'll unpack the first day, shove your suitcase under the bed, and that'll be that.
SW-C: (Makes a retching sound) Oh, my God, who bought these shorts: Helen Keller?
LW: Spare me the gagging. And don't pack that brush in your toilet kit.
SW-C: Why not?
LW: First, I bought you a brush. Second, you took that from my dressing table.
SW-C: The brush you bought me hurts. It's like what they use to comb your hair after you're waterboarded.
LW: You are not taking a Mason Pearson bristle brush up the slopes of Mount Katahdin.
SW-C: Then I'm not taking this.
LW: Now, Sophie, I thought we agreed.
SW-C: Why can't I just take a flashlight?
LW: I've read you the paragraph. Twice.
(Gagging sounds)
LW: A headlamp makes sense for the overnight trip. It'll free up your hands for chores.
SW-C: Chores? What chores?
LW: Setting up your tent, collecting firewood, peeling vegetables....
SW-C: Who am I: Cinderella?
LW: It's getting late.
SW-C: I will not attach a lamp to my head.
LW: You will be ostracized if you don't have a headlamp.
SW-C: Glasses, braces, and now a headlamp. I'll look like Frankenstein.
LW: Sophie, what a thing to say.
SW-C: It's true. You're trying to turn me into a monster.
LW: I'm trying to give you a good summer.
SW-C: Well try to be less giving.
LW: You could spend the summer in your room.
SW-C: I'd prefer it.
LW: Good. It can be arranged. Particularly for someone who's as large-mouthed as her water bottles.
SW-C: How?
LW: How what?
SW-C: How will it be arranged?
LW: By calling the camp and saying, "We're very sorry, but Sophie Wilner-Cohen will not be joining you this summer. We hope you'll give her spot to a child from the Fresh Air Fund or someone else more deserving and appreciative."
SW-C: Yeah. Like you'd do that. After you've already paid?
LW: We took out cancellation insurance.
(They stare at each other)
LW: I am getting very angry with you. Extremely angry. Stop rolling your eyes.
SW-C: I'm not.
LW: Whatever you're doing, stop it.
SW-C: How can I know what it is if you won't...
LW: (Interrupting) This is your last chance. You asked me in here to help you....
SW-C: No, I didn't.
LW: I'm sorry. I thought you did.
SW-C: You always say that.
LW: No I don't.
SW-C: "I'm sorry. I thought you wanted me to sign you up for Spanish lessons."
LW: (Angrily putting her hands on her hips) Don't mimic me, miss.
(Sophie puts her hands on her hips)
LW: You know what I am sorry for? That you're overtired and crabby and don't even know it.
(Laura storms out. Sophie stands alone. Laura re-enters and hands Sophie a flashlight)
LW: (Sighs) O.K., fine, take this. You'll live without a headlamp.
