"Dear visitor, welcome to Dachau, welcome to McDonald's. Our restaurant's got 120 seats, about 40 outdoor seats for our young guests an Indoor and Outdoor Playland. How to find us? Really simple. Just follow the picture! We're happy for your visit! Your McDonald's Restaurant, Dachau."--text of flyers slipped under windshield wipers of cars parked outside the camp
From: McDonald's Corporate Headquarters
To: Managers of all McDonald's franchises in Eastern/Central Europe
Let it be known that we in no way condone the recent regrettable actions of the Dachau, Germany outlet. Such lapses run contrary to the very tenets of the McDonald's philosophy. McDonald's is about healthy, happy eating. Our mission is to please, satisfy, and educate the public.
Effective immediately, a number of McDonald's policies will be revamped, overhauled, or simply abandoned. Several slogans are being phased out NOW. The phrase, "You'll love our fillings" (in reference to our tasty pies) is to be removed from all literature and signage from any franchise within 150 kilometers of a former concentration or death camp (i.e., the entire nation of Poland, much of Germany, and substantial swathes of the Czech Republic and Slovakia). "Big Mac Attack" is no longer part of the McDonald's vocabulary and, in an effort to avoid rekindling disturbing memories, the title Big Mac itself is forbidden in zones where a high concentration of former guards or kapos currently resides. Given the medical experimentation prevalent through much of Eastern and Central Europe in the 1940s, the phrase "Supersize Me" is hereby banned from the premises of all outlets. Furthermore, the words "You Deserve a Break Today" are unwelcome.
The Dachau incident has led our public relations team to re-think the cast of characters who currently welcome customers to McDonaldland. From henceforth, the character Grimace is to be removed from all promotional displays and materials as it is inappropriate at this juncture to have our "public face" be purple as a bruise and to possibly trigger thoughts of contortion or an unpleasant rictus.
The Hamburglar, with his overtones of theft and illegal seizure, is to be eliminated as are the French Fry Gobblins, lately renamed the Fry Guys. While we pride ourselves on the savory oil in which our fries are lightly dipped, for many the verb "to fry" still carries somewhat menacing overtones.
Mayor McCheese will no longer wear a pair of pince-nez spectacles as some feel he bears too striking a resemblance to Colonel Klink on "Hogan's Heroes," a show now widely seen in syndication. Captain Crook and, particularly, the Griddler are now no longer part of our family. Furthermore, the Happy Meal Gang will be referred to as the Happy Meal Group.
Our popular playgrounds will remain intact but as of now, ball "pits" will be known as "gathering places of festive, multi-colored plastic spheres." Birthday parties will continue apace, but the miniature toy hammers and anvils previously dispensed in Bavaria have been deemed gratuitous.
We regret these changes (and any attendant loss of revenue), but the shadow of history mandates increased sensitivity. In keeping with this need, we are scaling back our advertising, especially in the Auschwitz area, or Oswiecim as it is called in Poland. Our billboard has been removed from the entrance to the death camp at Birkenau (also known as Auschwitz II). And our planned drive-thru window at the exit of the former I.G. Farben factory camp (Auschwitz III) has been suspended. Lastly, the combination holding and extermination camp, Auschwitz I, will no longer be a distribution point for coupons for our enticing Combo Meals.
We realize these alterations in corporate policy will take getting used to, but truly believe we can emerge a more respected and cherished brand because of them. If someone mentions the Dachau incident, just remember all that was a long time ago and tell yourself: "Two whole beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese on a sesame seed bun." But don't say "Big Mac."
