"Nightlife can mean anything. We can provide you a very valuable experience that will hit your soul and your mind and send you home sober"--Prince Sultan bin Salman bin Abdul Aziz, head of the Saudi Supreme Commission of Tourism
Unlike some of our Gulf Arab neighbors who boast Western-style nightclubs serving alcohol, Saudi Arabia is not known as a popular tourist attraction. We aim to change that. Pronto. From henceforth, our kingdom intends to publicize its unique brand of entertainment and thereby become a magnet for world tourism.
While we do not supply liquor to visitors, we do offer something far more enticing: camels. Saudi Arabia has 23 million people and six million camels. You could be at zoos in London, Vienna, or Berlin peering at dromedaries through a chain-link fence or you can actually sit atop one here.
Many of you have the mistaken impression that females may not drive vehicles here in Saudi Arabia. Nothing could be further from the truth. First off, a camel's not a vehicle. It's a vehicular animal, which means you ladies are free to drive a camel at specific times in selected towns.
In addition, we have also relaxed restrictions on female bike-riding in two cities. Feel like riding a bicycle, gals? If so, simply drop us a line at the Supreme Commission for Tourism and we'll email you the names of the two cities where you can ride a female-model bike.
Our country's known for a daytime temperature which often hovers near that of an Easy-Bake Oven. What we're not known for is swimming. But we adore swimming. Can't get enough of it. We boast pools for male tourists and pools for female tourists. Often these pools are within a kilometer or two of each other so your entire family can enjoy swimming separately at the same time in the same city. And there is one city in which the two pools are a mere 500 meters apart. Just write us at--that's right--the Supreme Commission for Tourism indicating "pools half a kilometer apart" and we'll divulge the location.
Did we mention we love young people? Well, we should hope so: Saudi Arabia has one of the highest percentages of young people under 30 in the entire world. Many of whom are restless young men. And what do restless young men love to do? Ride camels! Come join them! Their only question for you is: One hump or two?
If you are a child intending to visit, you're more than welcome to wear shorts (up until the age of ten). Ladies will be most comfortable in loose-fitting garments. Shirts that reach the elbow and fully cover your haunches are highly recommended. Pants should come to the ankle--no cropped trousers. Vacation is a time to unwind: no tight clothing. Particularly in the pool.
I scream! You scream! We all scream for ice cream! Yes, we have some of the best in the region, perhaps second only to Yemen's. And while you gals are forbidden from licking ice cream cones in public, there's no law that says ladies can't privately lick an ice cream cone. Make sure to try our pistachio.
Sun and ice cream: what else is missing in the kingdom where it's always summer? Surf? Not on your life. We have miles of glorious beaches where anyone is welcome to stare at our ocean's sparkling allure. Just bear in mind that you're not free to be stared at. The coast guard patrol is prone to ogle ladies in swimsuits, ladies licking ice cream cones, and ladies in swimsuits licking ice cream cones. Hint: save your swimming for our public pools.
For you men, when you tire of driving a camel, rental cars are plentiful. Just take lots of extra petrol and water if you head out into the desert. And don't rent black cars: they get hotter than the Dickens! Remember, the white stripes on the pavement are intended only as "recommendations." In Jeddah, a four-lane road can easily become a six-lane thoroughfare and stoplights also mean significantly less than they do in other nations. While this is an alarming prospect for some, our restless young men absolutely crave it.
Few things can compare to a hot-air balloon ride over Riyadh. After all, Saudi Arabia is the home of hot air. You'll land in the vicinity of a Bedouin village, where you'll partake in a local feast of roast goat and cous cous, before being whisked back to your hotel in an air-conditioned Land Rover. At night, traditional activities for male visitors include shuffleboard, hopscotch, television (Al-Jazeera for those of you fluent in Arabic), and smoking, while for women there's the old-fashioned art of conversation or strolling in groups of two or more.
Things to bring: sunscreen (for your forehead and the area around your eyes), a keen sense of adventure, and an open mind. Things to look forward to when you return home: alcohol, drugs, pork, crosses or other religious symbols, and thongs.
While you're vacationing in Saudi Arabia, it's possible that the Matawuh (religious police) may chase you and click your heels with their wooden sticks if they find you in violation of any of the above. Best not to press your luck.
In sum, we eagerly anticipate your visit. Leave your dancing shoes behind, pack a good, government-approved book (the Koran), a deck of cards, several pairs of relaxed-fit khakis, and prepare to have an experience you'll never, ever forget.
