The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation today announced 24 recipients of its annual "genius award." Winners include:
--Doug Morton, for his "extraordinary insight into the needs of his fellow man" and for an "unusually high emotional learning curve." After gracing his colleagues with his presence at lunch for 19 months and sharing with them a series of off-color remarks, racist anecdotes, and imitations of the previous evening's Jon Stewart routines, Doug demonstrated acute perception and ability to interpret the grimaces, winces, exchanged glances and, ultimately, stony silence of others by taking his tray to the far side of the cafeteria and eating alone.
--Larry Oshinsky, Sam Ruboff, and Dimitri Blankov shared an award for "unprecedented cooperation" in solving the conundrum of who would be the first to monopolize that morning's copy of the "New York Times" at their branch library on the Upper West Side. After decades of congregating hours before opening time, pushing, shoving, and moving each other's lawn chairs, the trio decided on a regular rotation in which each man was accorded priority two mornings per week unless Sam notifies Larry and Dimitri he will not show because he is staying with his daughter, who has Internet access.
--William J. and Dorothy K. Reynolds were honored for "exceptional humanity" and "monumental introspection" as they realized that thirteen years of private school, costly summer camps, enforced reading groups, bicycle tours through Europe, museum internships, and six months as an assistant on an EMT crew in Simsbury, Connecticut, have not transformed their son Edgar into an interesting person. This summer the Reynoldses finally granted him his greatest wish: to lie on his bed all day listening to the radio.
--Tiffany and Steve Brady and their twins Sheila and Curt were cited for "pioneering efforts in the field of aerospace travel." Through a series of intricate stratagems, excuses, pleas, feigned illness, and blatant lies, the Brady family was able to move cross-country, transporting 1,600 pounds of possessions from Seattle to Boston this winter (with a change of planes in Denver) on United Airlines flights without checking a single piece of luggage.
--David Witherspoon was tapped by the MacArthur Foundation for his achievements in "preserving the fabric of family life and promoting unity." David's openness of heart has prompted him to "take the baby" Sunday mornings while his wife sleeps in, recuperating from her Saturday night shift as a nurse at a local hospital. His innovative childcare methods include preparing a bottle for their infant, placing both child and bottle in front of the television, and, on Sundays with decent weather, observing Lily Cuthbertson, a 26-year-old new to the neighborhood, soap and wash her car.
--Elizabeth Ramson was singled out for "accomplishment in the realm of psychology." After an entire lifetime of speaking her mind, Elizabeth now tells others that their outfits look great, the meals they serve are delicious, they purchased their houses for reasonable sums, their children are amusing, she will see them in church Sunday "if there's not a conflict," that every word President Obama utters is profound, and that it was a pleasure meeting their parents in the parking lot of Stop & Shop.
--Alec Rogovoy was rewarded for "revelatory economic theory." Alec recently came to the stunning conclusion that even though calls placed to cellphones from his home phone are substantially more expensive than those made to fixed lines, there is no need to hover behind every family member who lifts the phone and mouth the words, "Are you calling a cell? If so, hang up," as he or she attempts to communicate with the outside world. Rogovoy's exploration of the opportunity cost of such behavior indicates that the ulcer he is giving himself is not worth the incessant badgering of loved ones and if, in fact, the family's monthly calls to cellular phones do total more than $26, the world will not end.
--Tug Phillips received his award for "heroic patriotism in the face of adversity and for personifying our nation's values." At a recent Yankees game, during the seventh-inning rendition of "God Bless America" (a custom introduced after September 11th), Tug observed a conspicuously uncooperative spectator not only refusing to mouth the words to the song, but to rise to his feet. Willing to miss the remainder of the contest despite holding season's tickets behind first base, Tug made his way to the perpetrator, confronted him, poured beer down his neck, dragged him from his seat out into the parking lot, beat him senseless, and left him for dead.
--Tina Sparrow was acknowledged for "adaptability in the face of globalization." During her traditional Friday night visit to The Lucky Wok, a Chinese restaurant in the Omaha suburbs, Tina declined to order the dish she has been requesting each week since 1982: Sweet and Sour Pork. Instead, she selected Five Taste Pleasure Fish with Water Chestnuts in an effort to "see if China has something else to offer." Her conclusion: it does not.
--Sandra Wilkinson, a resident of rural Montana whose anti-capitalist leanings have culminated in her incorporating as a "nation of one," was heralded for becoming a society in which the only acceptable method of commerce is barter. "She barters with herself I guess," shrugged a MacArthur spokesman, "beads, twigs, string, shells, berries, whatever." When pressed as to why precisely Wilkinson was a recipient of the half-million-dollar award, he conceded, "Well, we haven't had a winner from Montana in a number of years. Plus, giving all that cash to someone who's renounced money? To our mind, that's pure genius."
