Dear Moralist:
My husband insists on buying an unappetizing type of garlic-infused salami. My daughter recently saw a re-run of "Murder, She Wrote" in which Angela Lansbury claimed the tiniest amount of rat poison will temporarily sicken but not kill a person. Do you see a moral dilemma in adding the smallest dose of this substance to my husband's portion of garlic-infused salami to teach him a lesson?
Mary
Dear Mary:
I see no moral dilemma here. If you and other family members have informed your husband that you do not share his penchant for garlic-infused salami, you are well within your rights to use rat poison. Sprinkle, don't pour.
Dear Moralist:
My wife and I own a waterfront home in Montauk which we purchased for $3.65 million three years ago. Recently, a couple from the City bought an equivalent home next to ours for less. Substantially less. Traditionally, the two homes have shared a dock, but we believe that since our monthly mortgage payments are nearly double those of our neighbors it is only just that we have sole use of the dock. Your thoughts, please.
Saul
Dear Saul:
My brother-in-law lives in subsidized artists' housing in Greenwich Village, where his monthly rent is $842 for a spacious two-bedroom apartment. He mentions this figure every time I visit, an occurrence which is increasingly less frequent as I scramble for work in the already glutted literary world in order to pay off the overpriced condo I bought on York Avenue at the height of the property bubble. If your neighboring "vultures" are contractually entitled to the dock, there is little you can do save to ensure that they don't enjoy it. I suggest a boombox, lots of gaudy lawn furniture, and littering the area with empties and used condoms.
Dear Moralist:
My daughter's dog recently gave birth. Her friend Daphne photographed the puppies with my daughter's digital camera, had the photos developed at her own expense, and now refuses to give the snaps to my daughter. We feel that since the puppies and camera are ours, we are the rightful owners of the photos.
Georgia
Dear Georgia:
Do you or your daughter suffer from a debilitating disease that prevents you from either operating a digital camera or walking to the corner pharmacy with a memory card after photographing the puppies yourselves?
Dear Moralist:
Our son was accepted by Yale, Princeton, Stanford, Columbia, Brown, M.I.T., Dartmouth, and Caltech. Unfortunately, Brian was wait-listed at his first choice: Harvard. Is it ethical to notify Harvard that a girl in Brian's class who was accepted by them recently received a B+ for an essay on which Brian received an A?
Lawrence
Dear Lawrence:
Being a Harvard graduate myself, I well understand Brian's disappointment. There is something undeniably special about Harvard and my own years in Lowell House were the highlight of my existence on Earth. That said, it's unlikely a grade differential of two variations on an essay will compel the University to admit Brian. If, however, you can convincingly demonstrate or insinuate plagiarism on the part of your son's schoolmate, Harvard has been known to reverse course and reject previously admitted candidates. Good luck.
Dear Moralist:
A neighbor in my apartment building is a professor at the Borough of Manhattan Community College and is always ranting about colonialism, post-colonialism, and neo-colonialism in the elevator, laundry room, and other shared spaces. My boyfriend says it's all right to affix a sign above the washing machines which reads "No Discussion of Any Form of Colonialism on These Premises." What do you think?
Lydia
Dear Lydia:
I think I want to meet your boyfriend! Seriously, that's a magnificent idea. I suffered for years in Chelsea at the hands of one of these creatures: a man perpetually blathering about "privilege" and "social parameters." He was ultimately flattened by a truck and the entire co-op sent flowers to the driver.
Dear Moralist:
My husband is a South Carolina politician whose job may be in jeopardy, given that he recently yelled something very rude (which he felt to be true) during the speech of an extremely important public figure. The august personage himself doesn't seem that bothered by my husband's outburst but writers in the "New York Times," etc. are baying for his blood. My spouse possibly made a mistake and feels he has apologized. What more can he do?
Mrs. X
Dear Mrs. Wilson:
I think the problem here (and I speak as a reader of rather than as a writer for the "Times") is that others feel your husband has "possibly made a mistake" of sizable proportions while offering a correspondingly minuscule apology. In any event, it's been a bad year politically for South Carolina and you're correct: at this point there is probably not much your husband can do.
Dear Moralist:
I grew up in a beleaguered section of Queens with no advantages whatsoever. I continue to struggle, sharing a one-bedroom apartment with my ex-husband and two teenage children. We often lack health insurance and can't even afford to buy, feed, and care for a pet. Am I right to feel resentful when I read that employees at Goldman Sachs will average $700,000 each in bonus pay in the midst of this "economic crisis"?
Gail
Dear Gail:
While I personally cannot relate to the circumstances of your life except for the absence of a pet (my wife's allergies), I can imagine how the fortunes of others would impart a certain sting. Nonetheless, capitalism is our system and while it's far from perfect, we do remain the envy of the non-Scandinavian world. You don't mention where your apartment is located, but I'm sure it stacks up fairly well against an equivalent unit in North Korea.
Dear Moralist:
Recently my wife and I seem to be meeting an inordinate number of people with children at the ultra-competitive, hyper-creative Brooklyn school, Saint Ann's. My wife feels it is acceptable to fib and state that our daughter Stacy is also at Saint Ann's. It makes conversation flow more smoothly and seems a small kindness to Stacy, who, truth be told, is no Einstein.
Philip
Dear Philip:
As someone whose daughter and son attended Saint Ann's, I can assure you that there are not an "inordinate" number of students enrolled. The senior class numbers all of 76, an extremely high percentage of whom (according to a well-known 2007 "Wall Street Journal" survey) go on to elite colleges. You do Stacy no great favor by lumping her with an exceptional subset and you tarnish the luster of Saint Ann's for those who are familiar with the school, your daughter, or both.
Dear Moralist.
I live in a fabled European city packed with Gothic palazzi. Local custom decrees the hanging of exterior striped awnings to heighten what is already a superb visual effect. Recently my husband
spotted an elderly workman perched precariously as he performed maintenance on a neighbor's awning. I inadvertently startled this fellow when I opened my window to observe him and he plunged five stories to his death. My question is this: given that he was clutching the awning when I found him on the ground and given that our guest bedroom awning is fraying, am I within my rights to claim this second awning as mine? Isn't this a clear matter of finders/keepers?
Lucrezia
Dear Lucrezia:
While I generally endeavor to limit my responses to queries from American readers, in your case I'm willing to make an exception. In my eyes, you do not bear responsibility for the workman's death; accidents happen. And it is to your credit that you were first on the scene. If rigor mortis had not set in and the victim's fist was not too tightly clenched around the striped awning and it fit the dimensions of your guest bedroom window, then by all means, keep it. Why not?
Dear Moralist:
I wrote you several months ago about garlic-infused salami- Now it's a cheap brand of sliced turkey my husband is inflicting on us. He buys copious amounts and then hounds us all to "finish the turkey before it goes bad."
Mary
Dear Mary:
Oh, Christ. More rat poison. And this time you can pour.
Dear Moralist:
I'm a moderately talented writer who lives on York Avenue, went to Harvard, and sent my kids to Saint Ann's. I'm considering starting a column in which I dispense ethical advice to others even though those who know me well believe I have no qualifications whatsoever. What's your opinion?
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
May I offer you some garlic-infused salami?
