"India has introduced female-only Ladies Special commuter train services in its four largest cities"--The Times
Amboy, Minnesota is soon to become the first town in America devoid of males. Spokesperson Sue Willikers announced Tuesday that by January 1, 2010, Amboy will be populated solely by women. "We read about what they're doing in India with their trains and we thought 'What a brilliant concept: no men.'"
Social activists, scholars, and ardent feminists have long fantasized about a world free of men, but Amboy intends to act on its beliefs. "Everyone looked so happy on that commuter train to Delhi," says Willikers, "Smiling, talking calmly, actually enjoying life. And did you notice how much cleaner the single-sex trains are? Hygiene just isn't in the male genetic code. Men are smelly beasts, seemingly incapable of leaving a train compartment tidy, never mind a train toilet. I just thank God ours don't chew and spit betel nut."
Amboy officials claim it's not just men's messiness and odors which led them to become an all-female environment. "There's a variety of factors at work," explained a woman in town hall who requested anonymity. "First of all, we've lost six percent of our citizenry in the past nine years. We're down to 537, with 273 women and 264 men. This strength in numbers provided the catalyst to insist that the men leave."
When pressed to elaborate, the source continued: "We need to draw folks here. Even though we're in warmer, southern Minnesota, we've not traditionally been a people magnet. But since this announcement, realtors' phones haven't stopped ringing. My neighbor just sold her house for $14,000 over asking price. It's like California. In 2006."
Amboy's town council, composed of five women, hatched their bold plans early this summer when they drew up a list of ways in which the quality of life would be improved by the absence of men. "It's a long list," explained Willikers yesterday, "too long to read, too long to scan or fax. My daughter says it's too long to lift."
Some cite the town's graying demographics as justification for the Council's decision. "We're predominantly middle-aged," said Margaret Sanborn. "Most of us have been married for years and we're tired. It's really not that rewarding to make a meat loaf for someone who forgets your birthday and whose conversational skills are at the same level as those on display in 'Toy Story.' Sure, my husband draws a pension and shovels snow, but with the recession and global warming, there's been a lot less of each lately. I can pay a strong, young girl to clear the drive. And I won't have to do her laundry."
One of the more vocal advocates of removing men from Amboy is Candy Ledecker. "Why do I want men gone?" she asks, "Because they often shout rude comments when a woman walks down the street. Or they make obscene gestures. They pinch, grope, taunt, catcall, insult or harass women. They're also prone to "jostle," which is pretty much the same as grope."
Yet Ledecker refused to concede that these complaints about male public behavior are responsible for Amboy's initiative. "Hell, I'm just talking about what happens on the street. Behind closed doors is a whole other story. Did you ever see that Farrah Fawcett movie, 'The Burning Bed'?"
Amboy's only educational institution, Maple River West Middle School, will continue to serve both boys and girls through 8th grade. "At that point, it's a judgment call," says spokesperson Willikers, "we're taking a wait-and-see attitude. In my experience, after the age of 14, it's pretty much a downhill slide."
Already local restaurants have seen a surge in business. "Since I'm on the town council, the men are sort of boycotting me," acknowledges Matha Jameson, proprietor of Martha's Eats. "And guess what? No one misses them. No drunken shouting, guffaws, applause when a waitress drops a tray, or tiresome requests to watch the Vikings on TV. In fact, I haven't turned on the television over the bar since this measure passed. Women flock here from as far as Minneapolis to eat in a dignified environment. Without men it's...how to put it...more tranquil. And nicer."
Martha's spouse Larry begs to differ: "It's like a morgue in there. Sure, profits are up, but something's been lost. The place is dull. Two women toasting each other with glasses of wine? That doesn't sit right with me."
And what exactly are the women toasting? Candy Ledecker knows: "The abscence of life's biggest problem: men. Maybe younger women miss the sex, but for the vast majority of us, the opportunity to live without males is a no-brainer. On some level, I love my husband. We've been married since high school and he was present for the births of two of our four kids, but after three decades together, the man still drops his clothes on the floor next to the hamper."
Men in Amboy appear stunned by the recent decision. "What?" asked a bewildered Phil Thurgood, "just pick up and leave? What about my guns?" Andy Belknap is indignant: "No one's going to load me on a bus like I'm in Bosnia and cart me off to some godforsaken place like St. Paul. I'm a homeowner, a taxpayer, and a deacon in the church."
Actually, it turns out Belknap is now none of the three. His home, originally put in his wife's name for estate purposes, was sold without his knowledge last Wednesday. And henceforth, Amboy's congregational church will have only deaconesses.
