(Second in a two-part series)
When word reached me in Zimbabwe last year that Parade magazine had placed me sixth on their annual list of the world's worst dictators, I questioned the publication's methodology in a letter to its editors. It was evident to me that Parade had failed to rely on the sort of peer review component employed by U.S. News and World Report when ranking colleges. Had the input of other malevolent rulers been sought, I'm sure the results would have been vastly different.
Admittedly, there was worthy competition in 2008 and I doffed my cap to Hu Jintao (#5 on last year's list), who managed to subjugate 1.3 billion Chinese, no easy feat in this age of the Internet. I also applauded Sayid Ali Khamnei, supreme leader of Iran (#7), who was cited by Parade for carrying out public hangings and permitting the execution of juveniles. I was particularly appreciative of his efforts as it was I who broke ground in this area, executing juveniles, toddlers, and, lately, newborns. I salute you, Ayatollah, for stoning a man to death for adultery; you are a true professional.
I did however take exception to the presence of North Korea's Kim Jong-il atop last year's list. Parade claimed this fellow ran "the world's most repressive regime." Really? Was it not Kim Jong-il who recently handed over two American journalists to Bill Clinton after sharing tea with the ex-president? Did not Than Shwe (#3) release an American prisoner into the custody of Jim Webb after the Virginia senator paid a social call on the Burmese leader?
Real dictators don't sip tea or chat with U.S. officials. They escort them to a defunct soccer stadium, strip them, fasten them them into extremely uncomfortable high-backed chairs, introduce a significant amount of electrical cable into the proceedings.... Well, I won't tell tales out of school.
A neophyte like Uzbekistan's Islam Karimov (#9) is still at the stage where he is noted for exceeding his two-term limit. This is a dictatorial baby step. Show me a man who has had his sixth wife decapitated on their honeymoon for allowing him to consume a soggy crouton and I'll show you a dictator.
Especially painful to me was the fact that I was as distant from Kim Jong-il on last year's list as I was close to Muammar al-Qaddafi (who led the category entitled "dishonorable mention"). For a number of years my wax likeness has shared space at Madame Tussaud's in London with those of Saddam Hussein and Hitler. I have no objection to keeping company with them, but have always resented the inclusion of Qaddafi in the museum's "corner of infamy." According to Parade, "reports of torture are common in Libya." Please. This is the man who scuttled his entire nuclear weapons program to curry favor with the West. You know whom Qaddafi has tortured? Me, with his pusillanimous, sycophantic behavior. Rolling out the red carpet for the accused Lockerbie bomber is nothing more than a transparent attempt to disguise his true spinelessness. Such a worm does not belong in the community of dictators.
King Abdullah (#4) was singled out for "most oppressed women in the world." I'm not sure if this cryptic phrase refers to the number of oppressed females in Saudi Arabia (presumably half of the country's 27 million population) or to the degree of their oppression. I have only 13 million subjects in Zimbabwe (perhaps 11 million of whom are women as I've disposed of most males), but I can assure you, no females on the face of the planet are more oppressed. Even in Harare, simply shopping is a nightmre. This January, to counter nineteen-digit inflation, I released a $50 billion banknote. Unfortunately for Zimbabwean housewives, the only thing rarer than this bill is what it can purchase: two loaves of bread.
Last year's Number Two, Omar Al-Bashir, was included because "Darfur continues to be a hotbed of violence." True enough. Omar scares the daylights out of many of Sudan's black citizens. But I traumatize blacks and whites. Specifically white farmers reluctant to participate in my land reform scheme. Have you ever seen a family of seven attempt to hide beneath a tractor, President Al-Bashir? I'll wager you have not.
I was in the greenhouse Saturday when my nephew Bobby Mugabe phoned from Lausanne with joyous news: Parade has named me the world's worst dictator for 2009. There is a God! I am ecstatic to outdistance the world's most barbaric despots and honored that a publication which boasts a circulation of 33 million and is distributed in 470 Sunday newspapers came to its senses without my customary intimidation.
Clearly the opinions of my peers played a crucial role in my triumph. That my fellow dictators acknowledge my ruthless savagery pleases but does not surprise me. It is I, after all, who pioneered the use of the circular saw and power drill in interrogation, presided over one of the worst cholera outbreaks in modern memory, and have forced uncooperative subjects to swallow more gasoline than is currently available in my entire country. And it is I who, in the years since Zimbabwean independence, have obliterated any chance of human happiness in my native land.
Being recognized in the twilight of my life, at the ago of 85, for significant acievement in the field of dictatorship is deeply gratifying. Nonetheless, I have two quibbles. In the event that there will be an awards ceremony at Parade headquarters in New York, I will be unable to attend due to cumbersome visa restrictions placed on me by the U.S. government. Second, given that the essence of being a dictator is having power and that power means getting others to do what you want, and given that I've brutalized my people for nearly three decades while an impotent world has looked on, should I really be labelled the "worst" dictator in the world? Given my inordinate skill as a tyrant, to proclaim me anything other than the best is truly unjust.
