So many scenes between husbands and wives...contain the seeds of potential murder.--Sir John Mortimer
SHE: You know what I'm thinking?
HE: What are you thinking, angel?
SHE: That I'd finally like to hang that painting my dad gave us for a wedding present.
HE: O.K., great.
SHE: Really?
HE: Sure. I'll get a hammer and a nail.
SHE: Bring a big one.
HE: Big hammer or big nail?
SHE: Both.
HE: Voilà: here I am.
SHE: We need wire.
HE: Oh, right.
SHE: And eye-hooks.
HE: No problem.
SHE: How high on the back of the frame should you insert the eye-hooks?
HE: Does it matter?
SHE: No. Probably not. Insert them higher.
HE: (Grunting with exertion) I'm actually not inserting them; I'm screwing them into the frame.
SHE: Screw them in higher.
HE: Does it matter?
SHE: No. Probably not.
HE: Good. Because the left one's already in. Jesus.
SHE: What?
HE: What's this made of? Metal? Where did we buy this frame?
SHE: At a yard sale in Maine.
HE: Metal covered with a veneer of wood. Jesus. There goes the right one.
SHE: Is that enough wire?
HE: You think I need more.
SHE: Is that a question?
HE: Jesus. It's sharp.
SHE: That's why they call it wire, babe.
HE: Barbed wire is sharp.
SHE: Also other kinds.
HE: Tony Soprano could garrote someone with this.
SHE: I'm glad he's not here. Do you have a pencil?
HE: For what?
SHE: Marking the wall.
HE: How can I mark the wall if I'm holding the painting?
SHE: You hold the painting, I'll tell you the proper height, and then I'll step forward and mark the wall with the pencil.
HE: Okey-dokey. Maybe you could get the pencil.
SHE: Voilà.
HE: (Lifts the painting) So, we'll put it...here?
SHE: You're kidding, right?
HE: No.
SHE: It's a gift from my father.
HE: So you mentioned.
SHE: Pride of place.
HE: Meaning?
SHE: Over the sofa.
HE: Jesus.
SHE: Do you keep saying that because it's Sunday?
HE: The sofa's too wide. I can't hold the painting flush against the wall.
SHE: Does it need to be flush?
HE: Yes.
SHE: Maybe we'd better move the sofa.
HE: "We"?
SHE: Do you not want to do this?
HE: Do I want to move a horsehair sofa before I've read "The Week in Review" section of the paper? Not particularly.
SHE: You want to read the "Week in Review" and then move the sofa.
HE: I don't want to move the sofa, but as you can see, my knees are sinking into it.
SHE: Can you move your knees?
HE: Where? They're attached to my legs.
SHE: Move them in a less sinking motion. What are you doing?
HE: Removing my shirt.
SHE: May I ask why?
HE: Because if I'm going to (grunts) move a sofa, I don't want to (grunts) change my shirt.
SHE: Careful. Watch the painting.
HE: Can't you do that?
SHE: Please don't move the sofa while the painting's on it.
HE: Here. Hold the painting.
SHE: Oh. It's heavy.
HE: That I know.
SHE: You know what I'm thinking?
HE: I'm not David Copperfield.
SHE: David Copperfield's not a mind reader.
HE: Neither am I.
SHE: I'm thinking the painting might look better over there.
HE: What happened to pride of place?
SHE: It'll just look better over there.
HE: I already moved the sofa.
SHE: Just indulge me.
HE: Okey-dokey.
SHE: Does it look nice?
HE: It looks as nice as it can look.
SHE: Meaning?
HE: It's not a Kandinsky now, is it, love?
SHE: Well I'm sorry my father didn't give us a Kandinsky.
HE: So am I. What did he give us?
SHE: Do you really not know what this is?
HE: A barn?
SHE: It's the hull of a ship. Why would a barn be floating in water?
HE: I thought it was grass.
SHE: Black grass?
HE: Dark grass.
SHE: O.K., here. Take the painting.
HE: How about here?
SHE: Think.
HE: What?
SHE: You can't just choose a spot at random, some arbitrary place on the wall where it's just...floating.
HE: It is a ship.
SHE: To the left.
HE: More?
SHE: Right.
HE: Is that a command or praise?
SHE: A command. Further to the right.
HE: Here?
SHE: It won't help to be impatient. Less to the right.
HE: In other words: left.
SHE: Yes, good.
HE: Happy to hear it.
SHE: Now, a little higher.
HE: Here?
SHE: Higher.
HE: O.K.?
SHE: A wee bit higher.
HE: Here?
SHE: A smidgen.
HE: What? A smidgen of what?
SHE: Oh, you lost your place!
HE: Do you realize this is as heavy as a ship? It's as heavy as a barn. Or a ship that looks like a barn.
SHE: You don't want to do this, do you?
HE: (Sighs) Is this where I was?
SHE: Lower.
HE: Here?
SHE: Lower still.
HE: Now?
SHE: Move north-east.
HE: Me or the painting?
SHE: You. So I can see the painting. Perfect. That's great.
HE: Super.
SHE: Now where's that pencil?
