I hereby bequeath to the town of Gambier, Ohio my entire estate in order that the following scholarships may be established and awarded annually in the amount of $15,000 each to local residents:
--The "Mad" Scholarship, to be presented to that adolescent who has the most comprehensive knowledge of all back issues of "Mad" magazine found in the town library. The head librarian will administer an exam with particular emphasis on "Spy vs. Spy," and "The Lighter Side..." Candidates should be familiar with each "Mad Fold-In" and therefore be able to identify all images on back covers before the magazine is folded along perforated lines.
--The Free Spirit Prize, bestowed upon that member of the Gambier community who is at least 26 years of age, is in possession of a driver's license and of all faculties, and has dyed his or her hair as many different colors as humanly possible, has multiple tongue studs, tattoos, facial, belly, and genital piercings, and drags the maximum number of heavy chains from his or her belt.
--The Unrounded Student Award, to be given to that public high school senior who during the previous four years has neither played an instrument nor sport, written for the school newspaper, contributed in any way to the class yearbook, solicited funds for worthwhile community projects, bookmobiles in African villages and the like, volunteered at a nursing home, or earned any sort of lifesaving certificate, scout badges, or recognition for being a good citizen. The extra-curricular activity section on recipient's college applications must be completely blank.
--The George Frederickson Prize, in honor of my late brother. To be presented to that student who finishes last in his elementary, middle, and high school class, is asked to leave an accredited college for at least one semester for academic reasons, and is forced to attend law school in the Virgin Islands.
--The Media Award, to be conferred upon that high school senior who has spent the greatest number of hours during the previous eighteen years staring at a screen. Candidates should have logged tens of thousands of hours in front of television, Internet, and at the cinema, and should be familiar with all manner of computer games from Super Mario to Grand Theft Auto (San Andreas level).
--The Well-Spent Summer Scholarship, to be awarded to that college senior who has never held a summer job or internship (paid or unpaid). Aspirants must document entire summers spent lying on the sofa, drinking at the quarries, and significant sexual experimentation and/or conquest.
--The Long and Winding Road Prize, to be offered to whoever dons running shorts patterned on the American flag and jogs topless on all afternoons in which the temperature reaches 72° past the home of Reverend and Mrs. Harold Albrittton on Piedmont Road. Preference given to females.
--Neighborhood Beautification Award, to be presented to whoever builds the most vulgar McMansion possible closest to the Albritton home. Special consideration given to those who park a boat or other large recreational vehicle on the lawn within sight of the street. (This award may be offered in conjunction with the Long and Winding Road Prize.)
--Egalitarian Spirit Prize, which goes to that physician, lawyer, or other professional who first resigns from Gambier's ludicrously overpriced country club, joins the local outdoor pool with its reasonable membership fees, and announces to a sizable gathering in a loud voice, "The public pool's actually larger, the people are cooler, and sandwiches cost one-fourth as much." (Note: Kenyon College faculty members are not eligible for this award.)
--The Keep It To Yourself Award, to be offered to that family which vacations yearly in Greece, receives generous checks on a regular basis from flush grandparents, has all four children at schools in the "most competitive" category in "Barron's College Guide," has seen its house's value appreciate 2,500% in the past 17 years, has never experienced crippling debt, bad health, or other misfortune, and doesn't tell a goddamn soul about it.
--Media Award II, to be conferred upon that member of the community who has, upon attaining the age of 58, never been heard to cite or parrot the views of Tom Friedman, Maureen Dowd, David Brooks, or Judith Warner within 48 hours of reading one of their columns.
--The Thomas Edison Scholarship, to be granted to that high school graduate who has devoted the greatest number of hours to publicly listening to a Walkman, iPod, boombox or other device at high volume (with chintzy, ineffective earphones if appropriate) and has passed an inordinate amount of time texting, scrolling through a P.D.A., answering a cellphone, or otherwise electronically irritating groups of fellow humans.
